black_sluggard (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
black_sluggard) wrote2011-11-23 09:14 pm
black_sluggard) wrote2011-11-23 09:14 pm
(Ficlet) Slice of Life: Reflection
Title: Reflection
Series: Life
Fandom: Castle
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Horror, Romance.
Warnings: Slash, AU, genre!crack, zombies, prejudice, unbetad.
Characters/Pairings: Javier Esposito/Kevin Ryan
Wordcount: 809
Summary: The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.
Details: Takes place in the same universe as "Quality of Life" (i.e. that weird AU where Javier is a zombie and Montgomery is still alive).
Kevin did his best to support Javier whenever it was needed. To be patient and open-minded. To listen should, wonder of wonders, his partner ever decide to actually talk about things—and to be receptive to his moods and his cues when he inevitably didn't.
And he would never in a million years consider that a hardship, but sometimes it just felt so...futile.
Because Kevin could try to be sympathetic and informed and "understanding" all he wanted, but in the end it wasn't something it was possible to understand without experiencing. Javier was the one who had to live with his condition and everything that went with it. He was the one who had to suffer the stares and the speculation and the fear. It was Javier who had to endure the sick guilt of his abnormal instincts, and the specter of a subconscious that raged and hungered and had blood smeared on its chin.
Kevin often found himself wondering if it had been him if he could ever be as strong as Javier—be that strong every day, for the rest of his unnatural life.
So far, his imaginings hadn't painted a pretty picture. If things were reversed, it was a given that his relationship with Jenny would still have fallen apart. Only, Kevin thought that under those circumstances their parting would have been far more brutal. His parents had never been particularly open-minded, and he couldn’t imagine them ever being as understanding as Javier’s mother had been. His sisters might be able to get past the uncertainty and the fear...maybe. If he was lucky, they could still have been willing to talk to him, though he might never be quite welcome around their children ever again.
He was certain at least that Javier would still have been there for him. Maybe not quite as underfoot as Kevin had been—Javier knew how to back off—and odds were they wouldn't have had the relationship they did now. But he knew they still would have been partners. Still friends. What bothered him was the doubt that, if he lost everything else, that friendship would have been enough to keep him sane, keep him grounded...
Keep him from becoming a statistic—just one more among the disproportionately high numbers of undead suicides.
Still, if offered the chance there was no question. Despite everything he stood to lose, given the opportunity to take that bullet for his partner, he would have done it. He would have done it in a heartbeat.
---
Javier often wondered if he could ever have been that strong, if roles were reversed. He wasn't sure he could. It was difficult to imagine himself being anywhere near as persistent, as patient or as understanding as Kevin had been with him. He knew he never would have abandoned Kevin, though. They'd still be partners, still be friends, but it stung to think they might never be as close as they once were.
And he knew they never could have had what they had now—it hurt for him to admit, but it was true.
Javier tried not to think about that scenario too often, though. Imagining Kevin suffering the same nightmare misery he had was just too painful. He knew his partner was far from delicate, but he was by nature a far more gentle man than Javier had ever been. Remembering the red rage of onset, the desire to rend flesh, to kill... Javier couldn't paste those feelings onto an understanding of who his partner was and imagine Kevin coming out anything but utterly broken by them on the other side.
And emerging from that hell was only the beginning. The changes that had taken place would be with him the rest of his life. He would never be quite the same man he was before, inside or out. And the looks of fear and discomfort he was becoming so familiar with from strangers, the mistrust and uncertainty he picked up on even around people he had known before were not easy to get used to.
Any attempts to imagine their circumstances reversed inevitably hung on how much that would have hurt Kevin.
His partner was strong, but his strengths lay in people; reading them, empathizing with them, building connections. Kevin was used to being the guy everyone trusted just a little, even when he was on the other side of the table in an interrogation. Losing that easy connection, finding himself suddenly cut off, isolated, was something that Javier knew would absolutely devastate him. And, from what Kevin had told him of his family once their relationship had become what it was, it wasn't just the potential for new connections that his partner might stand to lose...
No. As difficult as his condition was to endure, Javier wouldn't have traded places with Kevin to save his own life.
Author's Note: I'm not trying to paint Kevin as weak here, because I don't believe he is. He just strikes me as the type of guy who is better at being strong for someone else than he is being strong for himself.
Also, just because it’s what Javi and Kev believe would happen, doesn’t necessarily make it so…
Series: Life
Fandom: Castle
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Horror, Romance.
Warnings: Slash, AU, genre!crack, zombies, prejudice, unbetad.
Characters/Pairings: Javier Esposito/Kevin Ryan
Wordcount: 809
Summary: The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.
Details: Takes place in the same universe as "Quality of Life" (i.e. that weird AU where Javier is a zombie and Montgomery is still alive).
Kevin did his best to support Javier whenever it was needed. To be patient and open-minded. To listen should, wonder of wonders, his partner ever decide to actually talk about things—and to be receptive to his moods and his cues when he inevitably didn't.
And he would never in a million years consider that a hardship, but sometimes it just felt so...futile.
Because Kevin could try to be sympathetic and informed and "understanding" all he wanted, but in the end it wasn't something it was possible to understand without experiencing. Javier was the one who had to live with his condition and everything that went with it. He was the one who had to suffer the stares and the speculation and the fear. It was Javier who had to endure the sick guilt of his abnormal instincts, and the specter of a subconscious that raged and hungered and had blood smeared on its chin.
Kevin often found himself wondering if it had been him if he could ever be as strong as Javier—be that strong every day, for the rest of his unnatural life.
So far, his imaginings hadn't painted a pretty picture. If things were reversed, it was a given that his relationship with Jenny would still have fallen apart. Only, Kevin thought that under those circumstances their parting would have been far more brutal. His parents had never been particularly open-minded, and he couldn’t imagine them ever being as understanding as Javier’s mother had been. His sisters might be able to get past the uncertainty and the fear...maybe. If he was lucky, they could still have been willing to talk to him, though he might never be quite welcome around their children ever again.
He was certain at least that Javier would still have been there for him. Maybe not quite as underfoot as Kevin had been—Javier knew how to back off—and odds were they wouldn't have had the relationship they did now. But he knew they still would have been partners. Still friends. What bothered him was the doubt that, if he lost everything else, that friendship would have been enough to keep him sane, keep him grounded...
Keep him from becoming a statistic—just one more among the disproportionately high numbers of undead suicides.
Still, if offered the chance there was no question. Despite everything he stood to lose, given the opportunity to take that bullet for his partner, he would have done it. He would have done it in a heartbeat.
---
Javier often wondered if he could ever have been that strong, if roles were reversed. He wasn't sure he could. It was difficult to imagine himself being anywhere near as persistent, as patient or as understanding as Kevin had been with him. He knew he never would have abandoned Kevin, though. They'd still be partners, still be friends, but it stung to think they might never be as close as they once were.
And he knew they never could have had what they had now—it hurt for him to admit, but it was true.
Javier tried not to think about that scenario too often, though. Imagining Kevin suffering the same nightmare misery he had was just too painful. He knew his partner was far from delicate, but he was by nature a far more gentle man than Javier had ever been. Remembering the red rage of onset, the desire to rend flesh, to kill... Javier couldn't paste those feelings onto an understanding of who his partner was and imagine Kevin coming out anything but utterly broken by them on the other side.
And emerging from that hell was only the beginning. The changes that had taken place would be with him the rest of his life. He would never be quite the same man he was before, inside or out. And the looks of fear and discomfort he was becoming so familiar with from strangers, the mistrust and uncertainty he picked up on even around people he had known before were not easy to get used to.
Any attempts to imagine their circumstances reversed inevitably hung on how much that would have hurt Kevin.
His partner was strong, but his strengths lay in people; reading them, empathizing with them, building connections. Kevin was used to being the guy everyone trusted just a little, even when he was on the other side of the table in an interrogation. Losing that easy connection, finding himself suddenly cut off, isolated, was something that Javier knew would absolutely devastate him. And, from what Kevin had told him of his family once their relationship had become what it was, it wasn't just the potential for new connections that his partner might stand to lose...
No. As difficult as his condition was to endure, Javier wouldn't have traded places with Kevin to save his own life.
Author's Note: I'm not trying to paint Kevin as weak here, because I don't believe he is. He just strikes me as the type of guy who is better at being strong for someone else than he is being strong for himself.
Also, just because it’s what Javi and Kev believe would happen, doesn’t necessarily make it so…