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Title: Fracture
Fandom: Castle
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Javier Esposito/Kevin Ryan, Kevin Ryan/Jenny O'Malley.
Details: Slash, major spoilers, all around not-happiness
Wordcount:
Summary: Coda to "Knockout" Companion to "Pressure".
Note: Blame![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dedlit for this fic deciding to finish itself out of precisely nowhere... lol
Kevin held tight to Jenny when he got home that night. At the back of his mind part of him was screaming—it wanted more than anything to be out there chasing the bastard that had shot Kate. He probably would be, if he had it in him, but the fact was there was just nothing left. And so, silent, he held on for dear life, because he felt like he was breaking apart.
The mirror of the past was shattered, glimpses of it coming back to him disjointed, distorted and wrong. As a cop, Kevin never would have considered himself innocent, yet now it was all but impossible for him to look back and see himself any other way. And he felt like Montgomery's death had a stolen that innocence, destroyed the time that had come before when the team had been whole, and things had been almost perfect. It was something he knew they would never get back—
If there even was still a team. Kate might be dying, and without her Castle had no reason to stay.
As for he and Javier... Jesus Christ, he just didn't know anymore.
And, really, of all the things that could have chosen to haunt him, the ghost sensation of his partner's teeth on his lip shouldn't even have rated in his top five. But his memory kept contrasting the impact of Javier's fist with the warm strength of Javier's hands, providing yet another unbalancing point of dissonance— And Kevin still didn't know why he hadn't tried to stop it. He had yet to say anything to Jenny. He wasn't sure he would. It hardly seemed real, and the unreality of it left him unmanned.
Kevin felt...broken. Like finding that photo of the captain had smashed him to a million pieces, and someone had put him back together all wrong.
Because the case that had started it all was a poison, tainting and destroying everything it touched. It had turned Montgomery dirty, and keeping those secrets already left Kevin feeling stained. He was already a different man than he had been before the captain's involvement came to light, and Kevin was terrified of who he might become if he continued. He felt cut off from the man from that innocent time before, the distance between them as brutally final as the severing of a limb—
Jenny had been a part of that simple, innocent life, but Kevin felt like the future they had planned together still belonged to the man he was before. Because he loved Jenny with all his heart, but wherever he was heading, Kevin didn't think it was fair to take her with him.
More than anything he was afraid of exposing others to the infection that had already brought down so many of the people he cared about. Everyone who got near that case suffered for it, and the collateral damage was even worse. As he lay beside his fiance, Kevin couldn't help but think of Montgomery's wife and his kids—God, he could never put someone through that.
Nothing was certain right now, but the one thing Kevin did know was that tomorrow morning, as soon as he could, he needed to speak with Javier. He needed to see if whatever had been damaged between them might still somehow be repaired. Kevin dreaded facing that—dreaded the questions, answers and accusations that confrontation might bring. He had lost far too much in the past few days, and stood to lose so much more still in the days ahead.
Even if they were broken—even if it cut him—Kevin would hold on to his partner until he bled, because those broken pieces of what came before were really all he had left.
Author's Note: So I never in a million years thought I would ever finish this fic. I'd pretty much abandoned it last May. Butdedlit commented on "Pressure" over on AO3, and then I wound up looking at my notes for this, and all of a sudden here I am... Apparently this is the week for finishing half-finished fic.
Fandom: Castle
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Javier Esposito/Kevin Ryan, Kevin Ryan/Jenny O'Malley.
Details: Slash, major spoilers, all around not-happiness
Wordcount:
Summary: Coda to "Knockout" Companion to "Pressure".
Note: Blame
dedlit for this fic deciding to finish itself out of precisely nowhere... lolKevin held tight to Jenny when he got home that night. At the back of his mind part of him was screaming—it wanted more than anything to be out there chasing the bastard that had shot Kate. He probably would be, if he had it in him, but the fact was there was just nothing left. And so, silent, he held on for dear life, because he felt like he was breaking apart.
The mirror of the past was shattered, glimpses of it coming back to him disjointed, distorted and wrong. As a cop, Kevin never would have considered himself innocent, yet now it was all but impossible for him to look back and see himself any other way. And he felt like Montgomery's death had a stolen that innocence, destroyed the time that had come before when the team had been whole, and things had been almost perfect. It was something he knew they would never get back—
If there even was still a team. Kate might be dying, and without her Castle had no reason to stay.
As for he and Javier... Jesus Christ, he just didn't know anymore.
And, really, of all the things that could have chosen to haunt him, the ghost sensation of his partner's teeth on his lip shouldn't even have rated in his top five. But his memory kept contrasting the impact of Javier's fist with the warm strength of Javier's hands, providing yet another unbalancing point of dissonance— And Kevin still didn't know why he hadn't tried to stop it. He had yet to say anything to Jenny. He wasn't sure he would. It hardly seemed real, and the unreality of it left him unmanned.
Kevin felt...broken. Like finding that photo of the captain had smashed him to a million pieces, and someone had put him back together all wrong.
Because the case that had started it all was a poison, tainting and destroying everything it touched. It had turned Montgomery dirty, and keeping those secrets already left Kevin feeling stained. He was already a different man than he had been before the captain's involvement came to light, and Kevin was terrified of who he might become if he continued. He felt cut off from the man from that innocent time before, the distance between them as brutally final as the severing of a limb—
Jenny had been a part of that simple, innocent life, but Kevin felt like the future they had planned together still belonged to the man he was before. Because he loved Jenny with all his heart, but wherever he was heading, Kevin didn't think it was fair to take her with him.
More than anything he was afraid of exposing others to the infection that had already brought down so many of the people he cared about. Everyone who got near that case suffered for it, and the collateral damage was even worse. As he lay beside his fiance, Kevin couldn't help but think of Montgomery's wife and his kids—God, he could never put someone through that.
Nothing was certain right now, but the one thing Kevin did know was that tomorrow morning, as soon as he could, he needed to speak with Javier. He needed to see if whatever had been damaged between them might still somehow be repaired. Kevin dreaded facing that—dreaded the questions, answers and accusations that confrontation might bring. He had lost far too much in the past few days, and stood to lose so much more still in the days ahead.
Even if they were broken—even if it cut him—Kevin would hold on to his partner until he bled, because those broken pieces of what came before were really all he had left.
Author's Note: So I never in a million years thought I would ever finish this fic. I'd pretty much abandoned it last May. But
dedlit commented on "Pressure" over on AO3, and then I wound up looking at my notes for this, and all of a sudden here I am... Apparently this is the week for finishing half-finished fic.
