Wtf: Shit is both a noun -and- a verb.

[black_sluggard]

Warning: serious baggage and venting. HEED this if other people's personal stuff might make you uncomfortable. I wasn't even sure I wanted to make this post visible.


I know this is a "journal", but I don't really like writing "me" posts. I use this place for fic. I'll talk about my writing until my eyes go crossed. I'll write about my family (they're hilarious, and on occasion fairly awesome). I don't like talking about me, though, or what's up with me. I always feel like I'm whining.

Because there's apparently a huge double standard, because I love reading about other people's lives, but whatever...

I'm seriously beginning to think I might have legitimate mental problems. Not just the "haha zombie porn" type, but the "potentially hazardous, unhealthy kind. And it's kind of hard for me to even state without feeling like an attention whore or a hypochondriac. Especially the latter, because I've come to realize I have a pretty harsh phobia where mental illness is concerned. (I know I've talked about that to a few people, but I can't remember who...)

Anymore it seems like I'll be on cloud nine one minute, and everything is good, and my stories are practically writing themselves, and I have all these ideas that I jot down notes for and promise myself that I'll get right on that... And then it just dries up, and I can't even decide which story I want to try and complete an entry of (let alone progress any of them more than a sentence or two), and my sense of self worth heads into the toilet. And of course it always seems right about that time that everyone in my household decides to start being hateful to each other, and I feel like I'm somehow expected to know what is going on in people's heads when nobody is talking to anybody else. It's so frustrating...

End result seems to be falling into this state where I hate life, have no drive, feel utterly hopeless. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with being in my late twenties and having done absolutely nothing with my life. And the effort it takes for me to muster the will to do anything sometimes makes it hard to feel like I ever will...

And I've found myself spending a lot of time distracted by the mental image of some kind of violence. It's not the wish to enact violence, mind, just the suggestion of the act. More than anything I think it's a sort of punctuation to whatever emotion I happen to be feeling at the time. I'm mad at a room mate so I experience kind of the suggestion of what it would be like to wrap my hands around the handle of a knife and slit her throat. Or I want to be out of whatever situation I'm in (listening to parents fight, wanting class to be over because all the time/money I'm spending on it feels like a waste of time) and I'll get the same sense, only slashing my own throat, or imagine a bullet ripping through my brain. Again, just as a sort of punctuation to the wanting to be out of that moment, like "I want to not think, that would do the trick".

I've talked to my family about my moods, the one time my thoughts got close enough to actual "intent", but not recently. Not recently enough to tell them that I worry that I've got actual mental health issues. Everyone's got their own problems, and I always feel like I'd be dumping shit on them that they don't need.

So...yeah. That.

Moving on, I want to show you something slightly surreal. It's one of those things that is funny, but at the same time not, and I hope it won't leave you as depressed as it did me:

Uteratti: Uterus Incorporation Services

The shit going on in politics right now pisses me off and freaks me out. My personal gender/sexual identity has always been sort of nebulous. I rarely consider myself anything. I guess I count as gender queer, I don't know. Funny, though, how hard it is not to feel like a woman when there's all these people out there deciding they get to threaten me with my own organs. Jesus...

I should probably go to bed. I need to be out of the house by six tomorrow. Early class. Image manipulation, which is okay, but... Normally I'd be just fine with sitting in front of a computer for four hours...but it's in a Mac lab. I hate Macs.

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Edit: A follow-up.

Comments

[roachstar.livejournal.com]

I don't think you should over-think anything. As long as you're not actually hurting anybody or think you might be about to, I don't think that those thoughts are too abnormal. If you are concerned about yourself I suggest talking to somebody (professional) about it. I don't really believe that mental health professionals are good for anything other than being a good, impartial person who will listen to you and maybe even reassure you, but that can be a big help!

p1

[adja999.livejournal.com]

(I know I've talked about that to a few people, but I can't remember who...) (Me, would be one of them.)

it seems like I'll be on cloud nine one minute [...]And then it just dries up
Well, if it's actually a minute to the next and happens several times a day, it can be worrysome. However, during a week? Heck. We have irl. Irl mostly sucks. I know that I'll experience the same 'change' when I'm stressed. i can go from pessimistic to optimistic depending on the hour. When I'm tired, it's ALL OVER THE PLACE. Like right now, I have been waiting a week and two days for an answer for a job. I've had two interviews, they said thay'd contact me. For sure. Even to say know. Which means... we're three on the job and they still haven't reached a decision. ANd I'm going through so many stages.
But it doesn't have to be about one specific stress source. It can be at a moment in life were the bank account is drier than usual, and I'm worried about a friend, or I'm kind of sick so it keeps me from sleeping properly. All that piles up and fucks up with the emotions and adrenaline levels.

If, however, you feel it's past just that. Just in case you didn't know this:
mood swings can be caused by a lot of things. My cousin took a medication that rendered her suicidal (acne treatments can do that, I hear their might be others too). My ex girlfriend had UNBELIEVABLE moodswings when she went on a specific pill she didn't tolerate (I mean, from giggly, let's go to the beach I feel shiny to sobbing. Seriously). My grandma was rendered insane (we thought she was going completely senile) by arteritis treatment. She's back to who she was now. My neighbor, the famous Chris I talk about. He's depressed (I shall make a post about his wife stealing their kid) and not eating properly, which lead to B12 definicency. I didn't know it could be so bad to lack one type of vitamins, but the symptoms are: panic attacks, fainting, general physical weakness (he's Padalecki shapped. And passed out on my watch. that was fun. *cough*) and paranoia. Lack of magnesium does the same. To me. Without the actual passing out and with the bonus of spasmophilia attack. You know what's awesome? Having one while driving. Yay.

So. You eating properly? Been riding yourself just a little bit too hard recently (even not getting that extra half hour of sleep for a month can do it) Did you change, go on or off medication recently?


As for the violent 'thought outburst' I've experienced those. I think you and me have a mind that's not at all in denial on how fucked up the human being is. We're attrocious, as a species. I mean, do birds have spree killers, serial killers and do genocides? I don't think so. The only genocides in animal-land are for food and territory.
But anyway, my point is, we know violence. We even find it somewhat fascinating. Intriguing. I think that is why it is more present in our minds and in those moments, the high peak of emotion may trigger images of... different rushes. It doesn't mean that we want them to be.
I used to have nightmares of killing my fault and woke up queasy because I remembered how I fucking liked it. It lasted up until I was fifteen or so and realised that I *didn't* like it. That I was having a nightmare, not a fantasy. I still have bad dreams of the same type these days. Mostly I'll dream of possibly realistic things, like fighting with a beloved friend, and waking up so unsure about whether it happened or not. I dream of it *because* I'm a worste senario kind of girl.
Anyway. Does this help? Is it at all related, you think? Not the nightmare parts, though, maybe, but the 'outburst'.

I don't think 'getting close' is a mental issue. Maybe your nerves are just so fucking raw. I mean, since you watch so many cop shows. How many murderers just 'snapped' out of anger. Not because they were insane. You know, the last straw.
I'm not saying you will ever cross the line and actually go the gesture. I have once, started to draw a punch but still managed to stop myself. I'm just saying feeling 'on the verge of' means, to me, that you may need some time to cool down, find a relief, a way to blow off steam, not that you have to worry about your mental health.

p2

[adja999.livejournal.com]

This may not be your thing at all, but I find yoga works for me a lot. I have no interest about opening my mind to shit or being spiritual about things. But I found two things: it is the only thing, aside from very strong painkillers that end up with making me cough up blood (so i don't take them), that manages to relieve my back. I'm completely pain free. I've grown up too fast (though not that much :/), and that left me with a weak lumbar region and odd knees. Also, it makes me feel more energized and relaxed in my body. I find, aside from any spiritual thing, that it's the only moment when I can not think. At all. And I'm aware of my body (which, tbh, I tend to neglect A LOT, since I don't like it that much), I connect with it and I focus on what I'm doing. It's not an effort, it's a pleasure.
Two: When I haven't done yoga in a week, I start to feel angsty and itch for it. That's when I realize how it helps me to get emotional balance as well.
So... it may help you too?

How do you define gender queer, I'm curious. I've never met anyone that said that. I've met girls that defined themselves as girls and were, even though they were born as men, once upon a time. I know trans, but... queer, I never though to put it into 'gender', more in "way I am", I guess?

Side note: I hate Mac too. Not that I think they're bad, but I'm a PC girl, and they just confuse the fuck outta me.

As usual. I'm here if you need me.

[adja999.livejournal.com]

My knees don't rub or anything, and I can run to catch the bus if I have to (though not very effectively, but part of that is just being 5' nothing with very short limbs) but I'm definitely in the overweight category.
Are you talking BMI? Because according to mine (at least the way we're told it's calculated in France), I'm fine. According to my love handles... I'd like to weigh a little less. And I think the beginning of the 'underweight' category looks fiiiine.
But I guess it all depends on body type and liking who you are first. It's a fact that petite people have more trouble loosing those last few pounds. Which is completely unfair, if you ask me. ^^

Also, I'm rarely ever bothered by details that people don't mind giving freely so, I think you're good. :)
Good to know. Same here. You know, unless the utmost quirk is the first thing I learn about a person, then I might have a prejudice. But hey, I'm only human. (So far. Like Jason Mraz would say)(or "that you know of". Like I would say.)