Wtf: Shit is both a noun -and- a verb.

[black_sluggard]

Warning: serious baggage and venting. HEED this if other people's personal stuff might make you uncomfortable. I wasn't even sure I wanted to make this post visible.


I know this is a "journal", but I don't really like writing "me" posts. I use this place for fic. I'll talk about my writing until my eyes go crossed. I'll write about my family (they're hilarious, and on occasion fairly awesome). I don't like talking about me, though, or what's up with me. I always feel like I'm whining.

Because there's apparently a huge double standard, because I love reading about other people's lives, but whatever...

I'm seriously beginning to think I might have legitimate mental problems. Not just the "haha zombie porn" type, but the "potentially hazardous, unhealthy kind. And it's kind of hard for me to even state without feeling like an attention whore or a hypochondriac. Especially the latter, because I've come to realize I have a pretty harsh phobia where mental illness is concerned. (I know I've talked about that to a few people, but I can't remember who...)

Anymore it seems like I'll be on cloud nine one minute, and everything is good, and my stories are practically writing themselves, and I have all these ideas that I jot down notes for and promise myself that I'll get right on that... And then it just dries up, and I can't even decide which story I want to try and complete an entry of (let alone progress any of them more than a sentence or two), and my sense of self worth heads into the toilet. And of course it always seems right about that time that everyone in my household decides to start being hateful to each other, and I feel like I'm somehow expected to know what is going on in people's heads when nobody is talking to anybody else. It's so frustrating...

End result seems to be falling into this state where I hate life, have no drive, feel utterly hopeless. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with being in my late twenties and having done absolutely nothing with my life. And the effort it takes for me to muster the will to do anything sometimes makes it hard to feel like I ever will...

And I've found myself spending a lot of time distracted by the mental image of some kind of violence. It's not the wish to enact violence, mind, just the suggestion of the act. More than anything I think it's a sort of punctuation to whatever emotion I happen to be feeling at the time. I'm mad at a room mate so I experience kind of the suggestion of what it would be like to wrap my hands around the handle of a knife and slit her throat. Or I want to be out of whatever situation I'm in (listening to parents fight, wanting class to be over because all the time/money I'm spending on it feels like a waste of time) and I'll get the same sense, only slashing my own throat, or imagine a bullet ripping through my brain. Again, just as a sort of punctuation to the wanting to be out of that moment, like "I want to not think, that would do the trick".

I've talked to my family about my moods, the one time my thoughts got close enough to actual "intent", but not recently. Not recently enough to tell them that I worry that I've got actual mental health issues. Everyone's got their own problems, and I always feel like I'd be dumping shit on them that they don't need.

So...yeah. That.

Moving on, I want to show you something slightly surreal. It's one of those things that is funny, but at the same time not, and I hope it won't leave you as depressed as it did me:

Uteratti: Uterus Incorporation Services

The shit going on in politics right now pisses me off and freaks me out. My personal gender/sexual identity has always been sort of nebulous. I rarely consider myself anything. I guess I count as gender queer, I don't know. Funny, though, how hard it is not to feel like a woman when there's all these people out there deciding they get to threaten me with my own organs. Jesus...

I should probably go to bed. I need to be out of the house by six tomorrow. Early class. Image manipulation, which is okay, but... Normally I'd be just fine with sitting in front of a computer for four hours...but it's in a Mac lab. I hate Macs.

---

Edit: A follow-up.

Comments

[roachstar.livejournal.com]

I don't think you should over-think anything. As long as you're not actually hurting anybody or think you might be about to, I don't think that those thoughts are too abnormal. If you are concerned about yourself I suggest talking to somebody (professional) about it. I don't really believe that mental health professionals are good for anything other than being a good, impartial person who will listen to you and maybe even reassure you, but that can be a big help!

[black_sluggard]

Yeah, I agree. I mean, the theory that chemicals can "fix" what's going on in your brain meat is sound, sure, I just don't think we as a species know enough about what's goes on in there to risk playing around with it.

Part of it for me is that I don't believe in a purely "theological" soul. The physical brain is an important part of how you function when you're alive, so it has to be important to whatever might happen after... So for me those chemical reactions are me. They're the most important thing that could possibly happen in my body, and no matter how unhappy I am, I don't think anyone should be tinkering with it.

My school includes limited counseling as part of my tuition. I've been thinking about taking advantage of it more and more...

But tonight I think I really just needed to vent.

p1

[adja999.livejournal.com]

(I know I've talked about that to a few people, but I can't remember who...) (Me, would be one of them.)

it seems like I'll be on cloud nine one minute [...]And then it just dries up
Well, if it's actually a minute to the next and happens several times a day, it can be worrysome. However, during a week? Heck. We have irl. Irl mostly sucks. I know that I'll experience the same 'change' when I'm stressed. i can go from pessimistic to optimistic depending on the hour. When I'm tired, it's ALL OVER THE PLACE. Like right now, I have been waiting a week and two days for an answer for a job. I've had two interviews, they said thay'd contact me. For sure. Even to say know. Which means... we're three on the job and they still haven't reached a decision. ANd I'm going through so many stages.
But it doesn't have to be about one specific stress source. It can be at a moment in life were the bank account is drier than usual, and I'm worried about a friend, or I'm kind of sick so it keeps me from sleeping properly. All that piles up and fucks up with the emotions and adrenaline levels.

If, however, you feel it's past just that. Just in case you didn't know this:
mood swings can be caused by a lot of things. My cousin took a medication that rendered her suicidal (acne treatments can do that, I hear their might be others too). My ex girlfriend had UNBELIEVABLE moodswings when she went on a specific pill she didn't tolerate (I mean, from giggly, let's go to the beach I feel shiny to sobbing. Seriously). My grandma was rendered insane (we thought she was going completely senile) by arteritis treatment. She's back to who she was now. My neighbor, the famous Chris I talk about. He's depressed (I shall make a post about his wife stealing their kid) and not eating properly, which lead to B12 definicency. I didn't know it could be so bad to lack one type of vitamins, but the symptoms are: panic attacks, fainting, general physical weakness (he's Padalecki shapped. And passed out on my watch. that was fun. *cough*) and paranoia. Lack of magnesium does the same. To me. Without the actual passing out and with the bonus of spasmophilia attack. You know what's awesome? Having one while driving. Yay.

So. You eating properly? Been riding yourself just a little bit too hard recently (even not getting that extra half hour of sleep for a month can do it) Did you change, go on or off medication recently?


As for the violent 'thought outburst' I've experienced those. I think you and me have a mind that's not at all in denial on how fucked up the human being is. We're attrocious, as a species. I mean, do birds have spree killers, serial killers and do genocides? I don't think so. The only genocides in animal-land are for food and territory.
But anyway, my point is, we know violence. We even find it somewhat fascinating. Intriguing. I think that is why it is more present in our minds and in those moments, the high peak of emotion may trigger images of... different rushes. It doesn't mean that we want them to be.
I used to have nightmares of killing my fault and woke up queasy because I remembered how I fucking liked it. It lasted up until I was fifteen or so and realised that I *didn't* like it. That I was having a nightmare, not a fantasy. I still have bad dreams of the same type these days. Mostly I'll dream of possibly realistic things, like fighting with a beloved friend, and waking up so unsure about whether it happened or not. I dream of it *because* I'm a worste senario kind of girl.
Anyway. Does this help? Is it at all related, you think? Not the nightmare parts, though, maybe, but the 'outburst'.

I don't think 'getting close' is a mental issue. Maybe your nerves are just so fucking raw. I mean, since you watch so many cop shows. How many murderers just 'snapped' out of anger. Not because they were insane. You know, the last straw.
I'm not saying you will ever cross the line and actually go the gesture. I have once, started to draw a punch but still managed to stop myself. I'm just saying feeling 'on the verge of' means, to me, that you may need some time to cool down, find a relief, a way to blow off steam, not that you have to worry about your mental health.

Re: p1

[black_sluggard]

So. You eating properly?
The first answer that popped into my head was "You remember I'm American, right?" ...yeah, so no is pretty much a given, but I do alright. I eat breakfast every morning (and I'm not fond of sugar overall, so it's not generally something horrid), I sometimes skip lunch if I get lost in what I'm doing, and dinner is usually pretty healthy

Been riding yourself just a little bit too hard recently (even not getting that extra half hour of sleep for a month can do it)
I started going back to school after almost ten years of sitting around doing nothing, so I guess. Though before that I had a lot of stress that was household related (and still do), so it's not really just recently that I've been having issues. I've just been looking at the underlying causes more closely.

Did you change, go on or off medication recently?
Never been on medication for anything (besides antibiotics, years ago).

When I was younger I had anger issues that I don't have now (like, for instance, the time I choked one of my sisters up against a wall...) so thoughts like this kind of make me worry that I'm slipping back into that. I've always been prone to anxiety, and more and more often it's expressed itself as outright paranoia. I've had a few family members who dealt with mental health problems, so I guess I'm just kind of sensitive about it.

Re: p1

[adja999.livejournal.com]

The first answer that popped into my head was "You remember I'm American, right?"
Ah ah. Right. ^^
That's actually something that I found remarkable when I came to the US. I mean, I didn't get to see a lot of it, but I was fortunate enough to live in a suburb of Pittsburg for a summer, and in a neighborhood that was quite nice. I don't think it is a common occurence (please, tell me if I'm wrong, I'd love to know), but it seemed to be a complete mix. We had hispanic families, black people just across the street, the next door guy was asian. That wasn't at all what I expected from the 'boxed up separately in different blocks' view that we get here. And, I notice there are mostly only the two extremes. Well, there were, where I was. Really fat people. Who don't shock you cause you're in the states so they're everywhere, but transported here, they'd stand out a lot more. (I mean, we only have XXL as a size, and it's for *tall* people, though, if you got a little belly, you're fat already. Going to the pool with good ol american booties made me a lot more confortable in a bikini. Maybe I should hop back for a stay. ^^) ANd then there are skinny people. Magazine cover, perfect 'I love the gym' people. Amazing. Oo

So. Is it pretty much everywhere, or was it just in Pitts?

Never been on medication for anything (besides antibiotics, years ago).
Of course, I didn't mean "OMG, you're off your meds!", I'm pretty sure you got that. But you know, half the year I'm on constant allergies medication and I used to take the pill. Now I have an implant and it's fucking with me. Plus anti acids. ARGH.
When will I be ok physically?! Grrr

when I was younger I had anger issues You wanna hear about outbursts? In class, considering which one it was I must have been about 5 or 6, maybe? A kid was teasing me and making me so mad, and I knew that *I* get in trouble if I retaliated as hard as I wanted to... So I stabbed a pen. In my hand. Through, my hand.
I don't even remember suffering from it after that. Though to this day I wonder how I managed to come back from it without damage. I mean, there's a scar on the top of my hand. Period. (there's a matching one on my other one from an IV I didn't notice was empty, so it started sucking blood instead of giving fuild and it got so bad that it sort of tore through my skin. That'll teach me for not wanting to bother anyone because *my fucking hand hurts!!*)
Anywhoo. You know you're the only one that has that rambling effect on me? Yeah. Yeah, you are. Weird. Kinda creepy.
I hope I'm not weirding you out with those details.

Hm. I've seen some pretty ugly sibling fights. I wasn't lucky enough to grow up with mine, but my best friend in high school slammed two remote controls (one in each hand), down on her kid sister's head and knocked her out.
Why? Kid sister wanted to watch a show. But we were in the entertainment room (cause they have enough money to HAVE an entertrainment room), which has a bigger screen. She didn't want to watch it in her room. Problem was... it was Buffy time. We were rabid fans of Buffy. The show started and she kept protesting so, Oz shut her up (long story, friend nicknamed Osen, her real name is Claire). Hard. Oo

To me, it seems like you need a physical outlet for your emotions. To find one. Whether it's boxing, running, doing relaxation... my bro, who's a physical therapist, explained to me that one of the causes of stress in our modern societies is that we tire ourselves mentally a lot, but it rarely matches physical exhaustion, so we don't sleep right, we never refuel properly.
Really, when I was exhausted and couldn't sleep, and therefore got more exhausted, my first instinct was NOT to go out for a run or do an hour long workout. Now it is, and it works! Actually, I only ever work out when I'm so beat it's necessary. (Don't tell him. I say I do 30min everyday. Pshhh..)

Re: p1

[black_sluggard]

So. Is it pretty much everywhere, or was it just in Pitts?
I wouldn't say there's only the two body types, but there's definitely what's on TV and what's...not. And a lot of what's not is pretty unhealthy.Then again, this is Cali, so it's entirely possible the East Coast has a different breakdown.
My knees don't rub or anything, and I can run to catch the bus if I have to (though not very effectively, but part of that is just being 5' nothing with very short limbs) but I'm definitely in the overweight category.

Of course, I didn't mean "OMG, you're off your meds!"
LOL, yeah, I got what you meant. With two or three pharmaceutical commercials per break, I know what you mean. A lot of medications for things have screwed up consequences. Also, when my grandmother got pneumonia once they put her on prednasone, which causes symptoms similar to senility, so yeah I've had experience with that. Was just giving a more detailed answer to your question than "Errr, nope."

Also, I'm rarely ever bothered by details that people don't mind giving freely so, I think you're good. :)

p2

[adja999.livejournal.com]

This may not be your thing at all, but I find yoga works for me a lot. I have no interest about opening my mind to shit or being spiritual about things. But I found two things: it is the only thing, aside from very strong painkillers that end up with making me cough up blood (so i don't take them), that manages to relieve my back. I'm completely pain free. I've grown up too fast (though not that much :/), and that left me with a weak lumbar region and odd knees. Also, it makes me feel more energized and relaxed in my body. I find, aside from any spiritual thing, that it's the only moment when I can not think. At all. And I'm aware of my body (which, tbh, I tend to neglect A LOT, since I don't like it that much), I connect with it and I focus on what I'm doing. It's not an effort, it's a pleasure.
Two: When I haven't done yoga in a week, I start to feel angsty and itch for it. That's when I realize how it helps me to get emotional balance as well.
So... it may help you too?

How do you define gender queer, I'm curious. I've never met anyone that said that. I've met girls that defined themselves as girls and were, even though they were born as men, once upon a time. I know trans, but... queer, I never though to put it into 'gender', more in "way I am", I guess?

Side note: I hate Mac too. Not that I think they're bad, but I'm a PC girl, and they just confuse the fuck outta me.

As usual. I'm here if you need me.

Re: p2

[black_sluggard]

I've had my friend try and talk me into meditation. I don't know if I could stop and focus on one thing like that, because if I'm not doing one thing my mind tends to wander and run off with something else. I just can't get my thoughts to rest sometimes, and I usually end up feeling like I should be doing something "productive" (because, you know, things like showering and sleeping are a waste of time I could otherwise be spending on writing... *eyeroll*)

Where trans and cis people identify as male or female, genderqueer is sort of a catch-all for people who identify somewhere outside of the binary. For example, people who feel they are both (bi- or pangender), neither (genderless), or whose identification experiences shifts or changes (genderfluid).

For me it's somewhat the second or third. I feel sometimes like I am an abstract. Sometimes it's really all about the context of the situation/company I'm in. I don't desire to be male (though in RP and writing I always feel more comfortable with a male character), though I don't generally feel female either (unless I'm talking about guys with other females, then I tend to feel a bit girly).

(more pending on your reply, but I'm in class, so...anyway)

Re: p2

[adja999.livejournal.com]

I've had my friend try and talk me into meditation. I don't know if I could stop and focus on one thing like that, because if I'm not doing one thing my mind tends to wander and run off with something else.
I have the exact same problem. That's why meditating never worked for me either. At some point someone even tried to coach me through it and I couldn't help laughing at myself all through it. I think I gave *her* a need for therapy in the end. :P

Oh, well. Then I might be of gender queer. It's not that i'm hesitating or am not sure of myself right now, but I think I might be less and less sexually attracted to men. Or, not even not attracted. I am, and I get aroused by some too, but I am not 'pleased'. So... it lead me to wonder: do *they* all suck (aka "Dude, you really know how to pick'em.") or am I just hetero-romantic and bi-sexual?
It's not that I'm still searching. I have a fix theory and likely a fixed way for now, I just have a definite lack of personal life and therefore evidence to back that theory.

Thanks for the clarifications though, I didn't know all those specific had names.
*snort* Please, writting guys is not necessarely a desire to be one. I think they're just simpler minds (*dodges punches from guys all around the world*). I think I ring most true when I write gay men, go figure. Or maybe they're not simpler, but less annoying? Typical female psyche? Ugh.

I think feeling female and feeling girly are very different. I feel female most of the time (though I often don't feel human while doing so), and maybe sometimes I'm just a being, like you said, abstract. But sometimes I feel girly and I, for some aspects, like it.
When i'm doing cliché girly stuff. Like... finding Taylor Swift adorable even though I hate myself for it because I'm way past fifteen. Or jonesing for someone's shoes. Or when I look at a drawer full of clothes and I just don't feel like any of them. (*fp* dude, you're poor, roll with it) Or when I remember Steve Carlson's concert and I just get chills everytime I think of the moment I shook his hand and he knew I existed (because he was saying hi to me) in the world and wow, those eyes. *passes out*
(It's weird. I mock fans who break down when they meet celebrities, or shriek at concerts or stuff. And I didn't at the time. I was a little shy, because even if he's not Madona, you know, he's used to fans and probably doesn't give a shit about one more. But he was nice, and his voice. It's just a rumbling purr that gets to me. Imagine shaking Castiel's hand and having him croon "Hey there. Nice to meet you." with a smile and his EYES on you. Guh.
Not like meeting Misha, though. Misha just told me I could strip for him if I wanted. rofl)
See. Girly. FANgirly. *headdesk*

[adja999.livejournal.com]

My knees don't rub or anything, and I can run to catch the bus if I have to (though not very effectively, but part of that is just being 5' nothing with very short limbs) but I'm definitely in the overweight category.
Are you talking BMI? Because according to mine (at least the way we're told it's calculated in France), I'm fine. According to my love handles... I'd like to weigh a little less. And I think the beginning of the 'underweight' category looks fiiiine.
But I guess it all depends on body type and liking who you are first. It's a fact that petite people have more trouble loosing those last few pounds. Which is completely unfair, if you ask me. ^^

Also, I'm rarely ever bothered by details that people don't mind giving freely so, I think you're good. :)
Good to know. Same here. You know, unless the utmost quirk is the first thing I learn about a person, then I might have a prejudice. But hey, I'm only human. (So far. Like Jason Mraz would say)(or "that you know of". Like I would say.)

[black_sluggard]

Are you talking BMI?
Nah, just the fact that I'm definitely obese, but that it's not as bad as some. As long as I can handle things like, I dunno, stairs and a walk to school it doesn't really bother me.

[adja999.livejournal.com]

Wow, I don't know if it's a 'will' or a self esteem thing, but you're better than me. And, also, probably better off.

I don't have low self esteem, I like myself very much, however, I distinguish 'me' and 'my body'.

I mean, I'll never, ever be satisfied with it. Simple reason why: I will not be happy until I have a silhouette similar to Nina Dobrev's (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_S4eijoYPUPA/THEHujPtGEI/AAAAAAAAC5A/mtcmznQDjPg/s1600/Nina+Dobrev+gym+workouts+3.jpg paparazzi pic, no PS)
Which is impossible. One, because I'm a lazy bum. Two, because I don't have the budget to eat healthy. And three, because my skeleton isn't even as thin.
Ergo: not better off.

I mean I find a lot of people hot and I think that I don't look too bad and know how to dress myself. But if we're talking wishes, might as well dream big. Or small, for that matter.